News Update

Well, I’ve succeeded in not calling my grandma or dad for several months. If you don’t know much about me, you know I have issues wanting to help my grandma in the basement. If I haven’t learned these past few years, life is short, and I can’t save everyone. I’ve wasted years believing that people need to sacrifice for others. Once they are done with me, I go into the recycle bin for someone else.

In other news, I’ve been down lately. I just got over the 24-hour flu, but even before that barf fest, depression keeps locking me up in a prickly state of feeling, like failure and hopelessness…

Last night, I dreamed I ran away from home to the South. I woke up after making a van that was as big as a house. I also had to buy textbooks.

Then I woke up for meds.

It’s sad but I get up just for that gummy vitamin. I shove the other stuff down. I’ve had weird experiences like a beautiful glass bird going in and out of my closed window, making a rainbow.

How are you doing?

The Mind Prison

We, as humans, tend to get so wrapped up in life that we forget that we exist, and we are made hollow and easy to move and manipulate. We are in a block of space typing, putting toys away, going to the store, listening to someone else in your head–nobody home.

For many years, I was abused and ignored. The days ate at me. I’ve learned since that most of my suffering was my mind itself, following ridiculous rules, listening to bad advice from people who couldn’t back it up, letting people use me as a doormat.

A hard truth is that I can’t win, even if I’m right a lot of times. If the person doesn’t want to argue with reason, their society status or karma can destroy me.

Leveled down.

Abusers love hate and cling to me. I give them less time until they finally find themselves in the mess of the world. I’m no saint.

You don’t want another’s life, do you? I don’t.

The Library

I’m back at the library after yesterday. I plan to accomplish goals.

Next door to me sits the library. A small place, catering mostly to children and adults who want to use the computers while their kids play around. The kids’ section has toys and tons of books, which make the children smile and loud at times. So many people lose their love of reading. It’s almost a conspiracy.

I hope to finish 1000 words today and be half-way through I, Robot. I may be 36, have a mental illness, and a learning disability, but I want to study the industrial age compared to where we are now and the pros and cons of this.

Have a nice day!

Our Dreams

There is a man checking out books on how to be a lawyer. He is mentally retarded. The staff is aiding him in his journey. Of course even normal people have difficulty with passing the bar. I’ve thought about it, and there is really no reason to mess with us in society because we are not needed and generally annoying to people who live in the human world without “inclusion.”

Aside from a person who gets seasick a lot, I had issues with that job, too. When I had military barring still, I could work half-way between barf sessions. I wanted to yell at my sergeant but was able to hold it back. Don’t worry.

I used to buy engineering books. I’ve relaxed on that and don’t plan to attempt that route myself. I mean, I was an 88L in the army, a watercraft engineer. This generally means “boat mechanic.” The people in that MOS fixed various broken parts and maintained equipment. They had me clean mostly or I had punishments for not remembering to check the gauges. Who would have thought? I was a better writer back then, and the crew noted this, but still wanted to push me into the office. You get used to this as a female in a male field anyway.

I like to express myself and think. I’m more of a kayak lady, for my many suitors. 

“Don’t Use Me As a Doorstop, Please! I’ll Change Next Chapter, I Promise…”

So, I’ve been spending my weekly allowance on books. Today, I picked up book about how spin influences the universe. It’s strange, not bad. I still have to read this Science Fiction book I got two weeks ago. I’m about halfway through. My rule is to not put a book down and to finish it if I’m going to buy it unless it is too intellectual for me or just awful. The first bit was horrid. However, the coming up chapters make up for it. I’m actually interested. 

I took a break from my nook because I wanted to hold something physical. I’m pissed though. The reason why it doesn’t seem good is because I’ve read so many parallel universe stories lately. The subject must be a trend. People flit to the computer when a success pops out, and you get an entire wall of books that don’t impress me much. Another thing, it’s sad to report that there are very few science fiction books out, and the ones that were, were mostly classics or wannabe fantasy scrolls. I want to change that. 

And yes, I did write a book with other dimensions/planets in it in 2012. I receive 4 stars, but then someone put a down vote or 1 star. Jerks, joking. Someone did enjoy my other book. From this I’ve learned that I’m probably stuck with kids’ books and YA or young adult. While I’m blacklisted at the moment, I’m sure my family won’t care and a few random strangers. 

Cash Went Fast

So, I decided to use my Christmas money and buy some more books. I bought a ton of AI-themed books because I find the subject interesting and worrisome, at the same time. I purchased two Norton anthologies, one on World Religion and noteworthy stories from around the world. Those are college-level. I also bought a Chemistry and Algebra textbook/workbook. The science texts are High School level, which I need. One of my goals in life is to take trigonometry before I pass on. I want to understand some aspects of the cosmos that I am locked away from right now. 

What presents did you guys receive or buy?

Merry Christmas

my family got together, we all shared in conversations, and we ate good food from my chef brother, even though that’s more of a hobby currently. He has a nice girlfriend. Mom is still losing weight, claiming she doesn’t know how to cook for herself. I think she wants my sister to come over more. My mom doesn’t love me. I mean, when I’m thinner I look like her abuser, which probably influences her feelings. She always wants to be good but fails sometimes like us all. I should have been given to my grandparents and had trauma counseling. 

My dad is sick in the head. We all have to get rid of him fast because he somehow manages to destroy your life if you let him in. After all, nobody likes his behavior and many are afraid of him, too. I got him back one year. He offered to buy me a bunch of clothing. He does this to get at my mom. I purchased a ton of outfits. He didn’t notice I was picking up size 3s and 7s. The kids wore them, as they didn’t have nice winter clothing. As he stalks us all on Faceboook, he became enraged. He tricked me into giving him appletv and such back, and I did. He didn’t supply me with the laptop he promised. Tory still has some of the stuff he gave to me.

He recently took 5000 dollars which was for me. I let it go. He thought he could dish it out, which means he has control. It’s like, if the VA found out, they would take the 5,000 and add it to my savings. He couldn’t do what he wanted to.