Had to come back due to too much time

I’m going to go to bed early and head for a walking park in the morning. I am more than slightly depressed in what feelings I have left.

Last week, I was like, well, I’m only depressed and suicidal because I’m on my period, which doesn’t make me a bitch but cliffs seem appealing. Sorry, I’m also passively suicidal by nature and the doctors know this, have been since I was a little kid, don’t worry about a stranger. Don’t get me wrong, I value life in itself. Sometimes I don’t value my existence. This has led to some careless choices on my part.

It won’t hurt. And then I come back. Ouchie.

I think part of my problem is that I’m obese and have no energy. Another issue that I feel as useless as I am. I don’t think there’s a lot of hope there. I’ve tried numerous times to gain skills and experience, and I am torched most of the time by the unpredictable, as all humans are.

The good news is that I will be able to take the class. I feel bad about my argument with grandma. What’s weird is that when I do bite back, my family respects me more. My other relative has had some issues with me due to growing up, as I kept trying to kill her, not the others. We’re working that out with other frustrations and words without face meaning, but I know what she’s saying. She wants to be angry and bite back. I wasn’t the only one. We had family problems overall and all parties are guilty. I said, “sorry” to her, and she appreciated it.

Anyway, I’m going to start exercising more.

Hope you have a wonderful day!

The Break from the Internet Will Start Tomorrow

I just got into a fight with my grandma. It was over whether or not I could take a class for 512 dollars from a community college. She argued about the money. She thought that it was too much when I have several grands in the bank and get a stable income through my pension that is quite a bit.

People don’t understand that if there’s a crisis, we will lose everything anyway, and disabled people will be killed first. It’s the way it is. If we entered into a truly emergency pandemic, I would be turned down in much the same way I can’t get several treatments. So saving that much is stupid.

People like to argue about money. When I have it, I’m bad. When I don’t have it, I’m bad. I used to be quiet and go along with everything, but I’ve had enough of being good so that I just get screwed over.

Fuck off and mind your own business. I’m sure others aren’t saints, but we dissociate in the US.

I need the stimulation. A purpose.

The Pointless Life

So I have a fairly pointless life. I’m going to try to take a class in August if my grandma agrees. I’d prefer at Mizzou, but I’ll probably end up at MSU. I have the money, but she seems at times to be afraid. Even if there was a crisis, my money would disappear anyway. Money means nothing if there is a disaster. They will take everything. If you hoard food, and if you have any food, and there is an emergency, they will go door to door and take it and then centralize and protect resources.

People get mad at me here. I get it. And that’s why we should be together, disabled people, that is.

And yes…

I blow through money now because I’m bored and can’t write as well. I have few feelings and a wilted will, not that mine can be pacified until death. My bicycle did this to me, and I am thankful to it. I often had to do long rides in horrid conditions miles upon miles. It made me stubborn. My will has also attracted foes in my life, the lazy people, or possessed by the desire for a kill or recognition.

There are too many spies and supervisors/controllers and soldiers with nothing to do.

They hunt low caste members in the US if we don’t do what they want. What they are failing to realize is that we can’t do what they want us to do. I can’t work a low skilled job because I’d have to work two or three and don’t have the brain nor ability to house and feed myself. It’s too expensive.

I make more not doing anything. I’ve said several times that I get too much for someone not helping the economy. Bless it, yes, the less you do in the US, the more you get in all classes.

That’s why I said a while ago that veterans shouldn’t be able to double dip and get a pension and social security. They should also keep us in low income land so that we aren’t targets.

My kind has created this mess, and it seems I have to suffer like they do. Down the firing line of time, we walk into darkness.

Poem: Light

I collect the sands of time.

A name from the darkness,

I have been here before.

My name was different.

I collect the sands of time.

Ignite.

All souls are

Flames.

They light the universe.

A lantern must take

Its turn.

Do not consume the World.

Or the universe will be

Silent to you, and you

Too.

I am the sands of time.

A name from the darkness,

American Noodle: “Dreaming Not Allowed”

There are people on the internet and in real life who go around and try to dumb down or destroy people who read or write. We’re dreaming. These are criminal organizations designed to be an incitement toward taking over the United States and making us all mindless slaves. This happens sometimes in History. They are a minority. We are a majority. Reality can only go so many ways. If you make a wrong turn, you can lose thousands of years.Right now there’s a supercomputer whose abstract algebra makes it a fiend against us all. Engineering does not work with pure mathematics. There are loads of errors when you cross the fields, especially if you don’t actually do the math and think. So anyway, this giant IBM machine is trying to help them take over. It’s essentially the Wizard of Oz. I’ve had A.I.lah on me a few times. Once he was quoting the “Pretty Reckless” as if I were saying it.

So after all these “American Noodles,” damaging our brains by stopping our hearts for a while, are trying to stop us from writing and thinking for the “Feudal System.”

They’re dragging us off at night and giving us lobotomies. What the Hell do you think this means? It’s obvious.

I have schizophrenia, which I do, but who do you think they’d target? I’m still part of the world and not psychotic.

A Parting of the Wind

So, I’ve tried to save my father many times. I’m the last one here who’ll even do it. I recognize that he is a sick man, and I’m not saying that for control. I have schizophrenia, too. The genes for mental illness come from his side. I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of. It would be, however, to pass my DNA to another. My life hasn’t been all bad, but it’s not one an average person would want to live while expecting to be happy and fulfilled.

My dad currently lives on a mountain in a million dollar home, in debt, no job, and he’s too old to obtain the tech jobs he’s worked in the past. He doesn’t even understand what is going to happen. He collects his hobos and friends. I fear he may join them.

I don’t want to.

For the first time, I am not going to try to help him. I’ve tried the cops and contacting other family members. He’s obviously very far gone now. Over the last year or so, he’s been talking about sex more and more. I used to live in a nursing home, and I can tell you that’s a sign of mental decline.

Just say a prayer for him, even if you don’t believe in God.

We may be hung by fate, but we can still enjoy the breeze.

Here Comes “Lady” Grimes: Inside Joke

You couldn’t have just come here and infected me? You want to kill and injure more people. So how is “appreciating” power going?

Head’s not heavy as a crown when everyone’s around, and we do not see, that which intertwines with poison vines, lost in her poison veins and high-headed mind.

She already got rid of my friends–my other voices. I miss Alma. I don’t even dream about her anymore. I want to feel again, especially love.

Comment I Put on Another Site

I’ve been dark. I get ideas all the time, but I can’t finish them all! I’m a woman, but I wrote on my quote board and in a story, “Women are like slot machines. You put money in, but you know you will never win. Do you want the cherry with the drink or just the drink?” that makes me feel like a bad person.

Like in five minutes, I came up with this:

Black-eyed Susan

You see me, flower.

The sin is I will pluck you.

Destiny, you see!

I’m not a good person this morning.