Go Away

Yes, I can do basic math: functions, lines, linear equations, basic algebra, and I do practice geometry and problems dealing with triangles. I’ve taken several tests, thank you.

The problem is that I don’t know what I’m doing, so they are meaningless drills.  Why you are so obsessed with putting me down or in my place, I will never know…. I suck at everything, and I know this.  You guys aren’t Einsteins.

As far as proof-reading goes, I miss a lot.  I will eventually jump out of my brain-damaged prison, because that was fair, and I will be mediocre.  I do it to help my cognitive function.

Eggplant, Jellyfish, and Bills

So I spent a huge amount of money at the grocery store.  I ended up having to buy name-brand items due to limited stock.  My garlic powder cost me like five dollars for a smaller container than the usual dollar off-brand.  Olives were also five dollars.  They didn’t have my seventy-nine cent ones.  Stop hoarding, people!  What are they going to do with all that garlic?  You’d think we had a vampire plague, not COVID-19.


I went out to eat for lunch.  I had eggplant and pork from the Chinese place, plus a refreshing iced green tea.  I promised one of the owners I would come in today, so I lived up to my word.  I also enjoyed the dish and am too full for dinner, I believe.

Not much else has been going on. I’ve been reading about jellyfish and cells so far this afternoon.  Jellyfish have been around for 500 million years, have no brain, and some of them are immortal.  I indulged in one sci-fi story as well about space ponies. Clarkesworld Magazine is the best.

I will probably read up on the solar system again this afternoon, watch a science program on the television, probably on biology.  I’m not up to chemistry this afternoon.  I’m not as foggy today but blank.  I hope I get used to this new state soon.  I try to study and do exercises to keep my cognitive function going, try to improve myself.  I can’t go to school anymore, too much info, too fast.  I have an Associate Degree in General Studies from an array of places, both seated, online, and selfpaced, and I don’t need to feed my ego anymore.  I accept reality.  I can still do layman science. I watch The Great Courses and have several DVDs from them.

What are you up to?

Bought a Bunch of Layman Science Books Today

I was unable to enjoy them until about thirty minutes ago.  My head has been foggy today, still coming off of lamotrigine.  It made doing anything difficult.  I want to sit and stare.

I also had a rough night because of my cats.  For some reason, they felt the need to wake me up on three separate occasions.  If they do that again, they are going to sleep in their room, the large bathroom.

Anyway, here are the books I purchased for my NOOK with my Birthday money.  Have you read any good books lately?

Item Qty Price
Jellyfish: A Natural History 1
Dark Matter and the Dinosaurs: The Astounding Interconnectedness of the Universe 1
Reactions: An Illustrated Exploration of Elements, Molecules, and Change in the Universe 1
Some Assembly Required: Decoding Four Billion Years of Life, from Ancient Fossils to DNA 1
The Cell: A Very Short Introduction 1
Magnetic Current 1
The Complete Dinosaur 1
Seven Brief Lessons on Physics 1
The Power of the Sea: Tsunamis, Storm Surges, Rogue Waves, and Our Quest to Predict Disasters

I bought some Clarkesworld magazines a few weeks ago with my Aunt’s gift card.  I may not have been spoiled growing up, but I sure am now!

On a side note, I don’t know about the future of my writing career.  I am only capable of writing children’s novels, which doesn’t bring me a lot of joy. I only have so long on Earth. I think I’m going to take up painting.

Being Spoiled and Not

Material things have come and gone in my life.  Most people who look at my father assume I had it good, and it’s like, both my parents were very young when they had me.  They didn’t have much when I was growing up.  My mother still doesn’t because she can’t handle money, but my dad has made it into the upper-middle class–and likes to brag.

I generally get hate from people who’ve been at the bottom their whole lives, and it’s like, I’ve been there too with mom; they don’t understand when I try to explain to them that I had to ride a bicycle in extreme temperatures in HS to get money for us.  It was survival, and some of my other siblings are still messed up from the treatment they received.  If you don’t know me, then you don’t know that I’m very sensitive to temperature changes, so I struggled with my sanity a lot in the winter.  I worked from the time I got up, at 4am, until I went to bed, 11pm.  It was insane.  The army was paradise in comparison.

Anyway, I had a dream where this cop was sorting us and going to have Christmas with the best.  I took a girl aside, and we went into a fancy bathroom, which had treats and the finer things in life.  I told her to screw the cop and have fun.  The cop came back and told us we were spoiled brats, and I was like, I didn’t want to spend Christmas with you anyway!  That is like me.  I don’t usually go for the bigger reward but go for what I can have.  Call me spoiled!


Today Was Better

I still can’t feel pleasure, but at least I’m stable.  I’ve struggled with my schizophrenia for a few weeks.  I’ve had many somatic hallucinations and a few visual hallucinations. I haven’t been able to read well until today, and I read about Uranus and Neptune. Sometimes I forget how ignorant I am of simple facts.  Anyway, this distracted me for a few hours along with a short nap.  I think part of my struggle is because I was taken off of lamotrigine, which was causing me to get massive headaches and freak out.   I hate having brain problems. They affect everything.  It’s almost too good when I have a good day, a normal day, because it tortures me when I slide again.


Poem: Quantum Enigma — A Rookie Poet

Oh, deep and rooted song

That makes us all sing along

Beyond all of the dreaded stigma

Of the quantum enigma.


Be careful what you measure

A living thing or leather

And watch the sight, cinema

Of the quantum enigma.


First eggs to hummingbirds?

And the way of poetry’s words,

With the strength of the sterigma,

Of the quantum enigma.


You will reap what you sow,

Kiss a lover’s flowering toes,

Simple seeds to trichostigma

Of the quantum enigma.


Update: I’m 33

I’ve been doing okay lately, struggling with my schizophrenia.  Anyway, my aunt generously gave me a gift card to Barnes and Noble, and I bought a bunch of online magazines.  I like Clarkesworld a bunch, and I wish I would have read more of their stories before submitting mine.  Those authors have talent.  I don’t, but I go on anyway to express myself and to work on cognitive functions.

I received the card for my birthday.  I couldn’t thank her enough.

My dad sent me a cat backpack, by request, and Keiko is gradually getting used to it, though he still complains when I put him in, telling me how I’m a horrible mother for forcing him into it.  At least he didn’t spray me this time.  He didn’t drool either.

That was a present.

I had a good Birthday, overall.  I missed a sushi dinner with my sister, but we’re saving it for another day.

I can’t believe I’m 33.



How the Universe Was Created

One day a blind and deaf infant drew a circle, and it has no end.  The infant came before the universe, but the circle didn’t exist and now exists forever around.

Can anyone come up with a better thought?  I know the big bang, but I can’t get around the thought of nothing to something.  Like a monkey can’t do Calculus, we can’t understand something from nothing.

My Relationship With My Dad

First off, I love my dad.  We don’t always see eye-to-eye, especially when I was younger.  He used to abuse me when I lived with him and my stepmom.  Unfortunately, he’s weak with women.  Now he has a good wife and has stabilized. Yes, indeed, a shitty wife can make life hell.  The bitch used to lock me in the basement with her drug addict son who was shooting up heroin while she slept with her other son to mimick the womb.  Okay, sicko, bitch.  It hurt my relationship with my father.  Also, my mom would lie and say he didn’t send the check and then force me to pay up. She targeted me for being his offspring.  Yes, he beat my mom and locked me in closets to babysit me when I was younger, and he stole me away from her when I was 8 when I went to Hell.  He had to give me back to my mother in 6th grade due to CPS being on his ass.  He would do things like sending me expensive gifts, and it would make my siblings jealous, so I shared, which made him angry.  We’ve had some knockout drag outs because I’m stubborn. His crazy girlfriends would call me in the middle of the night and whine about how he treated them.  It’s like, you’re crazy and stressing him out.  He gets stressed easily and sometimes blames the wrong people, like when I’d get it for a bad day at work. He still rants at May, and she’s like, whatever.  He went off on grandma a couple of years ago and made no sense.  He has bipolar disorder and will sometimes end up with manias where he thinks he’s the most important person in the world or makes some glorious sum of money.  This causes us to end up in odd situations in hotels, and I’m like, dad, they’re going to fry me.  Little Harlan already seems to be gaining an awareness of this and the bad things dad says. A few times, it’s been me or him, and I’ve let him go into the abyss.  I love him, but I have to be careful. He has a great personality at times, and I want to love him, but then I get stabbed again.  It’s like, okay, that was dumb of me.  People will become jealous of him, like the government blah,blah people on Facebook or Marilyn Manson.  Damn Soviets-wannabes.  Let’s do it the right way. At least he actually works hard, you bastards. Enjoy taking care of me now.

I should have capitalized off of it when I was cute, I know — though I might be dead.