Go Away

I’ve Been Slacking/Lazy

I used to work on projects all night, and I recently quit and am whining at a blank screen and Putin’s smiles.  I’m ignoring the nature of my body and mind.   I wake up around 8am each morning, but after I take my pills, I’m useless until around noon and don’t become creative again until 3pm. Why do I keep putting things off in the afternoon and at night when I’m mentally active, thinking I’ll do them in the morning.  Wait until tomorrow!  That’s how I got to 32 with nothing. I mean with no accomplishments like real school or a published book.  Not that I want to be rich and famous, Ms. BS. To Blue Stalhi, whatever, I’m not ambitious, not that stupid — kind of.  Material possessions mean nothing to me. Well, I do enjoy the nook.

I’m getting lazy again, especially with writing and exercise, which are my only strengths.

How do you guys motivate yourselves?  Is it by desire or force or a mixture?

Sometimes I wish God would just hit me with a lightning bolt.

I can’t help the morning, but I do have some control regarding other things! AHHHH!

Being Schizophrenic Wah, Wah, I Know

I’ve been schizophrenic since I was little.  I didn’t have healthcare after a certain point or healthcare that worked in my state, so I was left on my own.  The first time I heard voices was at 4, and they told me to jump off the roof.  Our house was built into the ground, so the roof was low on one end and high on the other.  My grandpa caught me and pulled me back.  I had a lot of strange hallucinations like a man in the garden and muppets under the couch who wanted to kill me.  When I was in bed, my mother would come out of the closet and attack me with zaps, so I developed a strong fear of closets (I was locked in them by asshole, too) and hated the dark because I used to see heads floating around.  I used to wave my hand in my face to make them go away, and my mother was concerned but couldn’t do anything about it.  As I grew older, they abated at times and would flare up at others.  When I lived on my own, I went through a man with bleeding hands and ignored it like okay.  I did well in the military, but it came back, and I was locked in a mental hospital for seven months and the agent boy said he would chase me home, so I stayed in Virginia to protect my family.  They said they would kill my sister, so I rammed my head on the floor. I had many hallucinations there, but I was brought back to reality slowly before being done in.  I now live with hallucinations from my meds but have calmed down a lot since they gave me an anti-seizure pill.  I won’t get into what I think happened to me and the physical aspect of the illness.  I’ll say a little bit.  I’ve had to deal with a lot of adversity, and my mind couldn’t handle it after a while because humans aren’t designed to live certain ways and will go mental or kill themselves.

 

Kind of comical relief here, but yeah.

 

I’ve told my doctors about this, but they let me in the army, and I performed well for two years until the stress got to me again.  I almost healed in Virginia (after leaving the stress), but they caused a relapse by chasing me, so I went to Hell again, and it fried my brain (plus devil on my back Rob Zombie and Satan sex, trying to make me a pedophile, my brain swelled for 8.5 months).  I’m fairly happy now, but it’s made me a simple person in the head.  I’m annoyed at the stars and Putin–broke me to bits.  Go away and die.

Now I can’t handle stress at all because I’m too simple and become overwhelmed. Marilyn Manson didn’t help anything. ahaha to you, too. There were some other things, like crawling all over the floor, which was kind of cool; the only cool thing.  I don’t feel like writing anymore on the subject at this time.

Asshole

Yes, he is, but there’s no reason to kill us. We’re stupid peasants.

Kiss my ass, fake truthers. as’ldkfjasdlfjals;kjfl’askdjflkasd . It’s cool.  It’s not like Russians care about how many have to die for a purpose.  No offense. Damn Russians.

 

Really? Virginia after that…

He was cute.  Now he’s old. haha I would have kicked your ass in 1976.  Does that hurt your feelings?

BTW, Mr. Soviet and Britney Spears, I do want to go back to work to have purpose at Subway, but I am a little afraid of my new state. Plus, I’m fairly pissed off–can’t feel it, and I’ll be “lost” but I will dedicate as much time as I have to for revenge.  +pouts+ I really don’t want to do anything you say.  You could say you’re sorry.

And no, it’s not healthy to not work.  There are lots of broken people at Walmart.  However, they usually live with relatives, and I can’t do that.

I used to laugh at my thoughts, as they were ridiculous, and now I’m making fun of you.  Split me again. We’re fighting like I’m a three-year-old, but my thoughts are pissed.  I know you are but what am I?

Jacked up hard drive. You’ll just make us all split around. lkasjdf’lkadsf’

I Loved This Movie

We can release Hell on Earth or just think.  Not that I can.  They’re being selfish, immature assholes.   “There’s so many of us” A Perfect Circle.  Yeah, there are 7 billion of us, bring on Hell.  I’m bored.

Not a very good dream.  Sagging balls.  As for the other girls, you have only yourself to blame for flaunting.  It’s an annoyance.  2:37.48 = pretty much in Pikachu.  Note “illiterate” in the definition, or I think that’s what he’s saying.  It’s true.  They are not edjumicated in your laws, and the deathtrap isn’t fair, but you make them so “true.”  This flowing universe is bs = essentially.

 

That’s is some bs and abusive and corrupt.

I miss the army, and what happened is bs.  I’m a peasant.  What could I possibly do?  You are blaming these girls for no reason.  lsfgl;asjf;lj = half of them or more.

Being Spoiled

ThenOkay, so I was spoiled until I was 5, and I was Satanic.  I grew up later with my mom who was loving to me as a small child (changed later into an alcoholic and Satanic), but she was spoiled, too, by her mother and never became independent or mature.  Her mother makes the same mistake with me by giving me 60 dollars to spend a week and giving in to my whims.  I’ve become used to this lifestyle and am not sure what to do, so I gave my other grandma all my money until I cool it.  I’m also addicted to diet coke, which makes me desperate at times. Someone left a bunch of pennies by the soda machine, and, like a drug addict, I collected it all.  NEED ASPARTAME!  +shakes+

Oh well, I have to deal with it.

Now, people like Marilyn Manson like to throw me under the bus for themselves.  I whined about my upbringing and probably needed professional help.  I was young. My mom made me work for 2 or 3 jobs to support her lifestyle and has never had a fulltime job or lived on her own.  My dad made her very angry, and she took it out on me. My dad made me very angry, and I bitched.  He doesn’t understand the consequences and does his own thing without thinking about others.  It’s all about him.

 

Pretty much.

Many people who called me spoiled or wondered why I was off, are in debt or have other issues that I didn’t struggle with until later.  I get tired of the lack of awareness and the abuse.

And yes, Snowden, they have to watch us, so this doesn’t happen, but there should be checks and balances.  I agree.

Gotta love the Russians.  Kinky.  No one knows how to torture better than those who work in a zindan.  I would have liked a willing exorcism because my thoughts jack up my hard drive.  While you think I’m just being petty, I can’t help but think or I’ll split everywhere trying to disregard myself or my interests.  Then you make me true to you with words when I am a sum, not just what you want.  Of course, they know what makes me, me. We’re confused in words, and we don’t need to be broken down to nothing.  Like I said, I have a third eye, but you can rip me down to an animal and define me or make me really dirty by the demons which hold me in place.  It’s a trick, but someone has to be in my caste. We’re programmed for society. You have destroyed me and it in every way.

No offense to Jewish people.  We’re abusing it or Hollywood is.

It should be mutual and not destroy me so much, or you could be a Christian and redeem me.  Otherwise, we’ll all be zombies.  You destroyed my entire existence, burned me and then wondered why I reacted.  I’ll admit I was kind of addicted to rage, and you all went into a trap.  It was fun at first, sure. Putin put a “kick me” sign on my back. Who is the master and who is the slave?  You can’t even deal with a retard.  It’s my fault somehow. Punish the reaction and get back to where you started.

I Tried to Avoid Getting Benefits

I tried to give my check back when I saw all the music.  Then I declared war after MM, but I was offline for a while.  I partied, too.

What the sadistic FSB did. lol Mix the instincts. And you’re not doing that to my mom.  She is a beautiful flower reaching her potential.  She’s doing a lot better.  People can overcome their problems. We aren’t all trapped to be what we were.  Time moves on.

Well, whatever, let’s get back to this, I fell out of my class, which is fine.  I’ll live with the same and understand I’m pathetic, but I won’t do stupid things like having children or marrying.  I don’t get to drive a car or live in a big house.  I get shamed anyway, just like I used to shame the welfare mamas with eight children.  I lived in the Darkside with my mom.  You can’t afford them!  Why? I love my siblings but why?

I used to believe it was immoral for people to take food stamps and get help because they could move or get a different job.  Many people in the white middle class believe this because it keeps them in line with their own stupidity.  Class programming.  Work four jobs…

Now I’m dependent on assistance thanks to Marilyn Manson and the other notables.  The FSB blew my brain then came MM.  Do you really think I’m psychic?

Anyway, I make a lot of money thanks to the VA.  I do think we need to make new rules though, because so many other people are in dire poverty and need more help than my black hole.  We can be civil.  I don’t think people who take VA benefits should also get social security or unemployment.  There’s only so many funds and so many poor. I wish Trump would do this and not cut people off their benefits with no other assistance.

I’m getting teeth, too, guys.  I forget about my privileged upbringing.  Come here and fill my golden cup while I ride on my noble bicycle at 1 am in every season.  So I’ve had to endure a lot of class warfare in the army.  My rage was, “At least you guys had the option of going to school without an immense amount of debt. ” I know, I know, but they did piss me off.  I think we should force more classes to join the military.

My parents had issues for tissues, yet they’re alive.  I’m kind of an unwanted offspring.  My grandparents love me, so I’m lucky there. My parents just made my situation difficult.  Special ed destroyed any hope for a future.  I’ve been abused a lot, but I tried to survive on my own.  Stupid music evoking my demons.  “Icon for Hire” is a better idea.

Brats.  They have emotions, and they’re obviously angry at us, so they are burning. Do they want the weapons used on them?

Yes, it’s annoying when all your emotions and experiences crash the harddrive.  I think we should have clinics and real laws.

 

End of the Year and Resolutions

This year has been interesting:

I have improved in living with schizophrenia but still have cognitive issues and hallucinate.  This morning, I saw a shadow woman put up Christmas ornaments on a tree.  I watched for a moment before she disappeared. Maybe it was a ghost!  I’m not kidding.  I think I have an extra eye sometimes. Okay, so that doesn’t sound better but it is.  I used to hear voices several years ago.  Back then, I couldn’t tell reality from fiction and the phantoms took advantage of that.  I couldn’t think through things.  I don’t break all my dishes now that I’m medicated.

I’ve worked to understand my family better and not judge them.  I try to make them happy and not ignore or grouch at them for various words and deeds.  It bothered me when my mother didn’t tag me when she tagged my siblings.  I call her anyway.  She needs people to love her for who she is, not who we expect her to be as a mother.

I’ve become better at keeping my apartment clean.  I help the aide now.

Resolutions:

The biggest thing I need to work on is impulse control.  I ache and want things now, now, now instead of waiting for them.  I didn’t use to be like this.  I used to save and have extra but in the present, I gorge on diet coke and want to have sushi.  I know I’m spoiled and receive more in a week than I used to in a month.  I have to work on control.  I have considered trying to meditate to chill the anxiety.  I am not from the entitled generation, but I guess I feel into the “instant gratification” trap of my peers.  Gotta break that habit.

On that note, I’m fat and need to lose 50 pounds this year.  I’m 180 at 5’1″ which is ridiculous and goes with the impulse control.  I have lost several pounds this year. I got up to 222. I look and feel terrible even at this weight, but I’ll keep going.  No hot guys for me. Not that I’ll ever fall again.  I am stuck with Putin due to a few naughty spies and abusers.  You’ve brought this on yourself, baby.  Long, boring story.

Well, I hope you all have a great year! What are your thoughts and resolutions?